And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
