I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
