i think my tv is drunk
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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