Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
