hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
