TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
