My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
