Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
