My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
