Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
