Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
