I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
