i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you traded sex for a burrito?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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