please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
