i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.