In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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