If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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