Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
