The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
