just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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