It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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