Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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