I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
