I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
