how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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