im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize