My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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