I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
