So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
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They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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