I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
