I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
