we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
