I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
