Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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