Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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