She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
