All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
