I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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