I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
