I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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