We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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