Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
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It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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