My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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