I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
