You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
