Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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