Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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