i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
