When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
