there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
