should my penis look like a turkey
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
