so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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