alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
