as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
