My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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