Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
