when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
