Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
