worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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