Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
