Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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