??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize